Hey bbs!
So we’re back with another issue of ASK AUNTIE ANYTHING, and this week we’re tackling RELATIONSHIPS AND DATING. I’ve been struggling in my own, which is probably why I had to take a step back from writing this issue last week. I was worried that I was becoming a bit triggered and activated by the questions, and wouldn’t be able to really provide the advice you all were looking for. Relationships are a beautiful thing but they are also tirelessly complicated and difficult, and the issues I am currently going through have admittedly taken a toll on me emotionally over the course of the month. As I mitigate these challenges, I have been combing over podcasts, books, and articles on the subject, and having long conversations with my community about it all. I’ve been thinking and rethinking boundaries, and been trying to get really honest with myself about what I want, how I have played a part in our issues, and the pathway forward.
I’m not currently in therapy rn, which has also been really difficult (I just can’t seem to find the right fit), but luckily I have a wonderful support system in my friends who have held space for me (I would say its essential for anyone going through love problems), and I have also been provided some amazing resources. My personal new fave? The Jiillian On Love podcast. She came by recommendation, and she’s been eye opening and so impactful. A friend of mine and I were talking about how so often the advice online is just like, “Fuck men! Get money! Sprinkle, sprinkle!” which honestly, has its place lol (s/o to SheraSeven1)! But Jillian’s approach doesn’t vilify our other half. She’s actually very against “sides” or adversarial dynamics (except in the case of abuse). She’s more like, “You’re not my enemy. This just may not be working…”
I also adore Ester Perel, the OG relationship guru. Definitely pick up her book “Mating In Captivity” and check out her podcast, “Where Should We Begin?” And if you haven’t, definitely start watching “Couples Therapy” on Showtime. I’m always taking notes when I watch Orna do her work…
With that said, summer is upon us, flings and romances are in the air and front of mind. And before you all run amuck in these sweaty streets with a hot new love interest on your arm or as you continue to keep the spark going in a decades-long relationship, there will surely be some shit along the way. Let’s see how I can help…
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN THE MAN YOU’RE IN LOVE WITH HAS AN ALCOHOL AND PARTY LIFESTYLE?
For a minute here, I thought Uncle had written in. Lol…my partying habits have certainly caused a lot of stress in our relationship over the years and we’ve had to really come to a resolution about it all, so I understand this issue intimately. I’m not quite sure if you’re more low-key and would prefer more nights in or if you feel like his lifestyle could lead to temptation or safety risks, but lifestyle differences are real and you’re going to have to learn to make a compromise. I’ll use my own experience as a point of reference…
I have been partying more or less since I was 15 years old and, at this point, a veteran drinker. I had been single for years before meeting Uncle, and so when I partied, I did so without needing to “check in” with anyone. I did so freely and gleefully; I’m very much a social butterfly at my core, so I flitted from party to party without a care in the world. I had also taken care of myself for years after coming home tipsy, so I trusted myself implicitly when I was hanging out and recognized my tolerance level. I knew to be ofc safe, and my friends and I always looked out for each other, so I moved very confidently throughout the city, even if day drunk.
So I was shook when Uncle would get upset when I stayed out late drinking or I would forget to text when I arrived home. I realize when I write that now that seems so selfish and careless, but I often would innocently pass tf out as soon as I got home. Besides, I was so confident in myself and my partying habits that I was so confused that he wouldn’t be. I would awaken to concerned texts and missed calls from him the next morning, and we’d launch into heated arguments. Over a torrent of shouting, I would try to explain to him that I was fine. Why was he being so dramatic and unreasonable? Ofc I was safe. Ofc I can handle my liquor. Wth is with the third degree?! For an independent woman, this was the ultimate affront. Additionally, Uncle does not drink, so he wasn’t fully aware of its altering effects…y’know, like that line between being buzzed or drunk, or how so often a drunken mouth is not a truthful one.
Time and time again, I would fail to text Uncle and we would get into bigger and bigger fights. Finally, I had a conversation with my mother, who helped me see that when I don’t text or call to say I’m in, I’m communicating to him that I don’t care. I realize that this was a hard-won lesson, but now it’s second nature. I didn’t have to alter who I am completely (which was probably an underlying fear of mine and one I was railing against), but I did need to alter my behavior and let my partner know that despite me being out and having fun, I was thinking of him and our relationship.
I’m not quite sure if your partner struggles in the same way as I did, but I think it’s worth explaining to them that it can feel like their partying takes precedence over your relationship. While you trust them, a simple check-in can provide a certain security and peace of mind. But in that same breath, you have to recognize your partner may just be a social person at their core. This does not in any way take away their love for spending time with you, but bringing people together may be how they connect. Honestly, nothing gives me greater pleasure when my friends and partner align, and can really have fun together because those relationships separately mean so much to me.
But also, make sure you’re making time for just home life and date night. Make sure to prioritize time for just you two–whether you’re cooking at home, going out for dinner, taking in a show or movie, and especially traveling. It’s important that your partner remember that they may have social obligations, but they have to make you feel special too.
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